You know when you say you’re going to do something and you don’t do it? You marinate in dread and find it difficult to take even a tiny step out of the situation you’ve created for yourself. Today, I’m taking that step forward and giving you the scoop of what’s been holding me back from blogging lately.
1. Overwhelm
Some people thrive on pressure and some fold. Me, I’m a bit of a deer in the headlights when the chips don’t just fall but they scatter. Over the past few months there have been a plethora of issues that have required my attention and blogging took a back seat to managing the chaos.
I know that there are some bloggers that work full time jobs, parent multiple children, meal plan, have immaculate houses, are exceptionally fashionable, workout every day and can manage their own chaos with still having time to blog but I’m definitely not one of those people.
I’ve fallen down on the job in a number of areas within my personal, professional and blogging life recently and managing my ability to deal with what overwhelms me continues to be a struggle.
It’s a work in progress but I also think it’s part of the human condition. I’d just like my human condition to be a lot less freakazoid and little more controlled.
2. Guilt
See #1. In the beginning of the year I set some Goals/Resolutions/Intentions (GoReIn2015) and the fact that I got in my own way of working to achieve the things that I knew that I wanted made me feel terrible.
Not only did I let myself down, but along the way I’m pretty sure that I disappointed trusted friends, supporters, brands and events by my lack of engagement on the blog and within social media. The guilt has been self-induced quicksand.
Guilt is more than uncomfortable but I’ve realized that guilt truly serves no purpose until a person takes the steps, actions and behavior toward rectifying the past and shaping the present. I’m Jewish so I’m pretty sure I’ll be dipping my toe into the guilt quicksand again sometime soon but today, I’ve begun to extricate myself without the help of a cartoon character. Question: Does quicksand ONLY exist in cartoons?
3. Depression
An injured health and fitness blogger is not a happy health and fitness blogger. After injuring myself again this past January (exacerbation of my chronic lower back injury – this post links to a few entries about my injury), I definitely fell into the throes of depression.
PT and Pilates Therapy were both helpful to get my physical strength back but not being able to participate in the exercise endeavors I so enjoyed while seeing so many of my social media friends running, spinning, yoga-ing (not a word, I know but you get the idea), chipped away at my soul.
Instead of blogging about this hiccup in my life and finding new ways to engage my Optimist Flip mentality, I took to bed with my iPad and watched a crap-ton of television. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t work upon my blog or my nutrition private practice because I was not able to be of service to anyone else. For someone with a helping nature, this wasn’t easy to come to terms with.
While I’m sure that #1 and #2 were results of depression rather than the cause, I can say with great certainty that injury and lack of the ability to participate in exercise coupled with the co-factors of anxiety and lack of motivation added up to be the perfect storm for me to fall into a true depression. My depression not only affected my work and my social life but it definitely took a toll on my family.
4. Family Focus
I have a fabulous husband and wonderful son who love me unconditionally but in the past few months they’ve gotten the shaft. I’ve either been a depressed mess or I’ve been running from pillar to post and very little in between. I have had my moments when I truly tried to focus on my family – a date night sans child or actually spending time with aforementioned child (without the distraction of a phone nearby) but not nearly enough. See #2.
We took a family trip to New York (which I featured all over my Instagram account) and it was definitely soul fulfilling. While we were there it truly dawned on me just how old 8 years old really is. When we left New York, Wild Boy was 5. Many things change in the years from 5 to 8. My child no longer needed me to do things for him and his want of me to do any of the things were dwindling by the day. I made sure to note this observation and made (and still make) efforts to be more present with my child.
I tried to make sure that during that New York trip that I really focused on the people I loved most, my family. It was wonderful to connect with relatives and friends that are my family as well. It really was good for my soul.
I’m lucky that I also have a sense of family within the blogging world. Getting a chance to connect with some of my favorite people at FitBloggin’ and BlogFest were some of the highlights of my year. I didn’t recap either event on the blog but search hashtags, and you’ll get the jist of what unique blends of blogging education, personal connection and fitness fun both of those events offer.
5. Exploration
While wholly unmotivated to actually DO much over the past couple of months, I was definitely within the deep grips of social media compulsion that at times made me feel like the sloth that I was and other times, inspired me to think differently. The fact that I could be stirred by the website WANT – Women Against Negative Talk reminded me that my inner me wasn’t fully snuffed out.
I loved that Carla Birnberg could write so eloquently about her personal and parenting foibles and still be someone that I admired and wanted to emulate. Carla’s view of the world let me know it was more than OK to struggle and that the struggle in itself was (at least could be) a beautiful thing.
However, it was an article by a website called Soul Powered by an Executive Leadership Coach named Sarah Kaler about another Coach named Steph Jagger that sort of shook me out of my own reverie (this is the article). Steph was in a place of general discontent and with an “absurd idea” made a radical change in her life that has helped herself and others “make shit happen”. I’ve always been floored by people who find a way (by hook or by crook) to make it over the hurdle of hell to the place that makes them feel safe, joyous or just happy to be alive.
I don’t know why this particular article flipped a switch within me but it made me realize the following:
So I’ve been inspired to take a risk. I’m exploring some new things. I’ve come back to blogging after an unplanned long hiatus and I hope to be able to share some of my new adventures as they unfold. I see this as the tip of the iceberg that’s beginning to thaw.
I’d like to think that the iceberg that is me is huge and there’s power in the water that’s destined to be released so I hope you’ll stick around and see what happens.
This is a beautiful post! Depression is a bitch and one never knows who is dealing with it! It is brave to put this out there….and yes, take a risk, be vulnerable, and expose yourself and my mantras of the last year.
Many of these reasons (sans family) ring similar to me and are why I all but abandoned my blog some time ago. Getting away has been nice, to gain perspective and really figure out where to direct energies. I am going to read that article you linked to. I have missed seeing you around the ‘hood, by the way 🙂
I am so glad you wrote this!!!! I feel some of it but not all of it! I do tend to get in deep throws of depression or just plain overwhelmedness too.. jewish guilt & all! Life is a struggle as well here.
I find it wonderful that you shared with us because so many others go thru this too! I must check out that link to the article that helped you &^ look forward to more insight from you on this & your life.
I need a push too – been lagging in blogging – not sure how much I even want to blog… kinda not sure what I want to do & frustrated with social media & the emphasis on pretty & young as much as they like to say it ain’t so – it is.
HUGE HUGS!!!!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!!!!!
It’s as if I wrote this myself. I can relate to every single one! I literally just told myself for the 1000th time that . “maybe I should quit blogging all together?” Then someone leaves this amazing, comment on something I wrote in 2009, and someone just texted me at 6:57 this evening, “I am sitting in Chicago with a group of women running the marathon tomorrow, one of which is running her first tomorrow– when I asked her why she started running she said that it was because I started reading this blog a few years ago….. drumroll … RunWiki.” Hands in face… what do I do? Such mixed feelings, but you have inspired me to keep moving forward!
depression can be so hard. And life can throw curveballs or demand full attention. Hugs to you friend!
I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to read your words again! Thank you for writing so eloquently and honestly, as you always have, in this space.
I think it’s important to use this space to serve YOUR needs. We will be here whenever you are ready! xoxo
I am very happy that you came on and shared your struggles with us. I have been going up and down all year round. I lost a few close friend of mine to kidney failure in February; one of the sweetest men I’ve known in my life, and he fought so hard. On top of that, I was informed that I am going through full-blown menopause. It was hard to take. I was eating crap, I quit working out, and I just wallowed in bad everything and misery. It got me a whole lot of nowhere. A friend of mine took it upon himself to drag me out of my house and get me back into civilization. I started back at the gym, went on a diet, and got my shit in gear. I have been fighting that depression on and off (my dad is very ill and lives with me, so that’s another added dose of reality on a daily basis) since then, but that was the lowest I’ve been in a long, long time. When I didn’t want to listen to Duran Duran at all, you KNOW things are bad! Anyway, my blogging took a huge backseat, and I did step away from social media- in fact, I’ve done that on and off throughout the year, to great success. Sometimes you have to put your normal passions on hold to get yourself back in the race. I hope things continue to go along a better path for you, my friend! And hey- a new Duran album in the last month! 🙂 Take care of yourself.
Georgette:
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I worked for a number of years in dialysis so I’m more familiar than most about the struggles with kidney disease and kidney failure. The menopause blow must have been a hard one to take as well. At 45, I know it’s coming but I’ll be damned if I want it to be here now. I think it’s ok to fall apart a little bit dealing with both of those burdens.
I think sometimes we need to break to want to be put together again – whether we do it ourselves or with the help (professional or otherwise) of someone else. I’m glad to hear you’re on the upswing. Your words about taking a step back from social media also did my heart and soul some good.
Thank you so much for your words of support and sharing your story. It makes a huge difference to know you’re not alone and to know that others can and do come back better and stronger.
KIT, Georgette and enjoy the Duran boys when they come your way. They were pretty damned fantastic!
Thank you, Allie. I’ve missed being involved in social media and you were definitely one of the people I missed most. I’ve peeked in from time to time and have been so happy for all of your writing success and your athletic achievements. I’m hoping things have been good for you as well. I’m hoping the boys (and you) are transitioning well to school.
I have some catching up to do on your blog but please know that your words always mean a lot to me.
xo
Sandra, thank you so much for the words of support. Your hug was well received! xo
PS – So proud of your accomplishments, IronGirl!
Lisa:
Thank you for your words and for letting me know that I’m not alone in feeling all of these things.
Blogging isn’t easy and I think only another blogger can *really* understand. I know I’m not ready to quit but I know things will (and need to) be different for me. While I wrestled with the idea of this post possibly being an overshare, I’m happy to learn that it has resonated with anyone. To have inspired anyone to keep going with blogging is more than I ever imagined this post could have done.
I think you’re amazing and you inspire me as well.
Thanks Jody! The hugs (virtual or otherwise) help.
I think as long you feel passionate about what you write, it doesn’t matter how often you do it. If you’re in blogging for the money, then maybe that idea doesn’t apply but for most of us “hobby” bloggers, I think your connection to yourself and your ability to share your thoughts, feelings and stories are the reasons why people read anyone’s blog in the first place.
I’ve decided not to feel guilty about my blogging schedule but to write and post when I feel it’s right. Your readers want to read your blog for you and your stories, so don’t worry.
Miss you too but I’m having fun seeing all of your travel photos.
Perhaps when you’re back in the atmosphere, we’ll do lunch again.
Enjoy your trip and perspective gaining mission.
xo
Thank you, Paria. This wasn’t an easy post to write but I couldn’t let it linger any longer. I’ve missed being a part of the blogging community and honestly, the tip from Carly connecting the two of us was another spark that set off the writing so thank YOU (and Carly)!
I look forward to reading more of your blog and getting to know you as well.
Your blog post hit home with me as I have struggled from time to time with my own blogging efforts. It seems when one area of my life surges forward (whether it is career or blog) then another area suffers (home life, personal fitness, etc.). Lately I’ve been beating myself up for gaining 5 lbs in the last 6 weeks because I started a new (demanding) job & have not worked out consistently in over a month. I barely have time to keep up with my blog since my kid has a lot of homework & projects that need to be supervised once she is home from school & I am “off the clock” on my paying job. Once kiddo is asleep, then it is the “second shift” of blogging & catching up on emails & social media. Sigh…such a rat race sometimes, I tell ya.
I wish you luck in your journey! Things evolve & our blogging will always ebb & flow. Your readers will be here when you are ready to share more.