You know when you say you’re going to do something and you don’t do it? You marinate in dread and find it difficult to take even a tiny step out of the situation you’ve created for yourself. Today, I’m taking that step forward and giving you the scoop of what’s been holding me back from blogging lately.
Some people thrive on pressure and some fold. Me, I’m a bit of a deer in the headlights when the chips don’t just fall but they scatter. Over the past few months there have been a plethora of issues that have required my attention and blogging took a back seat to managing the chaos.
I know that there are some bloggers that work full time jobs, parent multiple children, meal plan, have immaculate houses, are exceptionally fashionable, workout every day and can manage their own chaos with still having time to blog but I’m definitely not one of those people.
I’ve fallen down on the job in a number of areas within my personal, professional and blogging life recently and managing my ability to deal with what overwhelms me continues to be a struggle.
It’s a work in progress but I also think it’s part of the human condition. I’d just like my human condition to be a lot less freakazoid and little more controlled.
See #1. In the beginning of the year I set some Goals/Resolutions/Intentions (GoReIn2015) and the fact that I got in my own way of working to achieve the things that I knew that I wanted made me feel terrible.
Not only did I let myself down, but along the way I’m pretty sure that I disappointed trusted friends, supporters, brands and events by my lack of engagement on the blog and within social media. The guilt has been self-induced quicksand.
Guilt is more than uncomfortable but I’ve realized that guilt truly serves no purpose until a person takes the steps, actions and behavior toward rectifying the past and shaping the present. I’m Jewish so I’m pretty sure I’ll be dipping my toe into the guilt quicksand again sometime soon but today, I’ve begun to extricate myself without the help of a cartoon character. Question: Does quicksand ONLY exist in cartoons?
An injured health and fitness blogger is not a happy health and fitness blogger. After injuring myself again this past January (exacerbation of my chronic lower back injury – this post links to a few entries about my injury), I definitely fell into the throes of depression.
PT and Pilates Therapy were both helpful to get my physical strength back but not being able to participate in the exercise endeavors I so enjoyed while seeing so many of my social media friends running, spinning, yoga-ing (not a word, I know but you get the idea), chipped away at my soul.
Instead of blogging about this hiccup in my life and finding new ways to engage my Optimist Flip mentality, I took to bed with my iPad and watched a crap-ton of television. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t work upon my blog or my nutrition private practice because I was not able to be of service to anyone else. For someone with a helping nature, this wasn’t easy to come to terms with.
While I’m sure that #1 and #2 were results of depression rather than the cause, I can say with great certainty that injury and lack of the ability to participate in exercise coupled with the co-factors of anxiety and lack of motivation added up to be the perfect storm for me to fall into a true depression. My depression not only affected my work and my social life but it definitely took a toll on my family.
4. Family Focus
I have a fabulous husband and wonderful son who love me unconditionally but in the past few months they’ve gotten the shaft. I’ve either been a depressed mess or I’ve been running from pillar to post and very little in between. I have had my moments when I truly tried to focus on my family – a date night sans child or actually spending time with aforementioned child (without the distraction of a phone nearby) but not nearly enough. See #2.
We took a family trip to New York (which I featured all over my Instagram account) and it was definitely soul fulfilling. While we were there it truly dawned on me just how old 8 years old really is. When we left New York, Wild Boy was 5. Many things change in the years from 5 to 8. My child no longer needed me to do things for him and his want of me to do any of the things were dwindling by the day. I made sure to note this observation and made (and still make) efforts to be more present with my child.
I tried to make sure that during that New York trip that I really focused on the people I loved most, my family. It was wonderful to connect with relatives and friends that are my family as well. It really was good for my soul.
I’m lucky that I also have a sense of family within the blogging world. Getting a chance to connect with some of my favorite people at FitBloggin’ and BlogFest were some of the highlights of my year. I didn’t recap either event on the blog but search hashtags, and you’ll get the jist of what unique blends of blogging education, personal connection and fitness fun both of those events offer.
While wholly unmotivated to actually DO much over the past couple of months, I was definitely within the deep grips of social media compulsion that at times made me feel like the sloth that I was and other times, inspired me to think differently. The fact that I could be stirred by the website WANT – Women Against Negative Talk reminded me that my inner me wasn’t fully snuffed out.
I loved that Carla Birnberg could write so eloquently about her personal and parenting foibles and still be someone that I admired and wanted to emulate. Carla’s view of the world let me know it was more than OK to struggle and that the struggle in itself was (at least could be) a beautiful thing.
However, it was an article by a website called Soul Powered by an Executive Leadership Coach named Sarah Kaler about another Coach named Steph Jagger that sort of shook me out of my own reverie (this is the article). Steph was in a place of general discontent and with an “absurd idea” made a radical change in her life that has helped herself and others “make shit happen”. I’ve always been floored by people who find a way (by hook or by crook) to make it over the hurdle of hell to the place that makes them feel safe, joyous or just happy to be alive.
I don’t know why this particular article flipped a switch within me but it made me realize the following:
So I’ve been inspired to take a risk. I’m exploring some new things. I’ve come back to blogging after an unplanned long hiatus and I hope to be able to share some of my new adventures as they unfold. I see this as the tip of the iceberg that’s beginning to thaw.
I’d like to think that the iceberg that is me is huge and there’s power in the water that’s destined to be released so I hope you’ll stick around and see what happens.